活在童话里

来到日本以来，身边不少朋友都表示羡慕，毕竟日本是很多人心目中童话般的世界吧？我们都被一部部浪漫的日剧搞得对日本充满期待。
日本的确是一个美丽的国家，但是真的在这里生活，真的跟童话没什么关系……没有什么帅哥，没有什么浪漫的邂逅。夏天会热，冬天会冷，人~ 会感冒…… (= =)
每天在学校看到超级可爱却又超级调皮的小孩，踏着雪路搭巴士还是被巴士跑掉了~
在这里的生活很踏实，很实际。

The Japan Heart

My principal said to me when he was totally wasted... "The thing I like best about you is that you are Asian, you understand my Japanese Heart". It is somewhat true that I find it easier to be around the Japanese than the other foreign language teachers from the west... Our frequency match better. I love my teachers when they are totally relaxed after some drinks and some good food. And my school teachers sing damn well!! Even when they are drunk!!! I'm jealous.

5 months have past in a flash... is it gonna be another 7 months or another 19 months? Dou kana~~~~ ><

Karma

Many Japanese asked me this question: Do you believe in afterlife?

I told them I don't. But to be honest, I don't know. Unless I see it or experience it for myself, I guess I will never be able to say yes to it. But not seeing/experiencing it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. So the actual answer is, I don't know.

And so... when I told them that I am not sure or I don't believe in it, they will very often give me a look and say "It exists, you should believe in it.". And so... "What's the point of believing in it?" I asked. The answer is... "if you do good things, then you will go to heaven and be borned into a good life,if you do bad things, you will be punished in your afterlife".

Something seems wrong in the logic. The reason why you don't do "bad things" is because you are worried about punishments in the future? And it's punishment in the afterlife! Do we need a reason to be nice to people? Do we need a reason to not do things that harm others? Maybe the reason to be a nice person should just stem from a desire to see the people around you happy.

Managing Desires and Temptations

It's amazing how we desire things that may be bad for us. It can cigerettes, it can be meat, it can be a wrong love. Just like how the moth flies towards the burning light, we get attracted to things that are not necessarily best for us. Our desires override our minds to let us make decisions that we may regret 10 years down the road.

The power of self-control is probably not related to age but more related to being able to be satisfied with what we have. Afterall, when one learns to be contented with what he has, he will have less desire to seek more and hence will be able to more objective decisions.

But as a friend of mine often says, what wrong with being emotional? What's wrong with doing things that you like? Maybe being happy is the most important thing.

Trying to hold on to too much

Been thinking about the need to be satisfied.

One reason why "dumber" people are happier is probably because they know how to be satisfied. Since life doesn't give them too much choices, they learn to make do with and be contented with whatever's on their plates. They learn to live at the moment and enjoy every moment of NOW.

On the other hand, when there's too many laid in front of you to choose from, you start to compare. You start to make plans so that if something falls through, you will always have a safety net. You start to fear failure because you know you have to chance to prevent it. And all these make it difficult for one to live the moment. "Carpe diem" was the slogen for my Primary school class... it's amazing how my classmates knew this at 12 years old but I still fail to live it at 23...

A poster in one of my elementary school's teacher's washroom says (in Japanese of course), "Don't look a far too much, because you will end up missing what's in front of you".

意外的收获

在长假里，濑名大概说了这样的一句话：有时候就算花了多余的时间，作了本分以外的事情，但是有时候也会有意外的收获……比如在回家的路上看到美丽的夕阳之类的

这句话不知怎么的一直都深深地烙印在我的心中…… 有时候，多做点事情也会有意外的收获的~ ^^

Culture preservation

We often hear of people promoting the need to preserve and promote our traditional cultures. While things of the past are indeed the bulding blocks of the present us, it is change, progress and embrace of new ideas and thoughts that brought us to where we are today. To stick in olden traditions without surveying and scrutinizing them will only lead to uninformed decisions.

I'm not saying that it is not important to conserve our culture. But to what extent should we be conserving it? To the extent of sacrificing modern technological developments that make the world an easier place for us to survive and live in?

Some people worry that modern developments will ruin and destroy our culture. But think about it, isn't modern developments making our current culture? A world with lesser bounderies and better understanding of each other - This is our modern culture.

Happy Birthday

I'll like to say you're a beautiful white lilly. But the you that I know is a red poppy. So addictive, so bright and a symbol of war and peace. Happy birthday starlight.

家

不知不觉在日本也快3个月了。
老实说，我适应的蛮好的。日子过得很充实，而且觉得有了自主能力~ *笑*
刚刚在看不良笑花，在说唐门和他妈妈的事情。
离开家里一段时间后还真的蛮想家的~
想念和家人一起吃晚餐，和妈妈妹妹一起逛街，想念晚上家里热热闹闹的感觉。
虽然至今真的很喜欢日本这个山上的小城市，不过怎么说，这里还是他乡吧~ *笑*

做人要自动！

我还在工作，不是你的专业导游或者伴游！
包吃包住了还要我帮你安排行程，陪你去玩！
你付我旅馆费和导游费我就做！

Asking why

I am brought up being taught that I should ask the reason behind most things we do. Even though we grow up to realise that alot of things we do are done based on instincts (for example falling in love). But I still think I do most things for a reason.

In Japan, people do things because they have always done it. Bow to a podium before your speech: I asked people why they do that, does the podium have any representation? They started asking the same question amongst themselves and never come up with an answer. Or why do you use precious water to wash your rubbish before throwing them (the answer is because the rubbish is for recycling and you dun want dirt with them... = =, but to me from sg where water is PRECIOUS... it doesn't make sense).

To do without asking.... this just reminds me of military obedience. Even if they ask you to die killing other people... maybe the Japanese haven't really changed since the kamikazes.

the "thing" about gifts and presentation

I've always thought I am very "packaging conscious"... Being the gemini that I am... looks ARE important. Or rather... when I give a present, I will usually make it a point to give something that "feels solid". But this time... this whole "must wrap your presents for the japs" things is driving me crazy. I mean... wrapping paper is a SERIOUS WASTE of natural resources... you wrap your present in some pretty paper... then person who recieves it looks at it and tears it open. The next moment, it's in the bin, ready for the rubbish collector.

Yes... I know my habit of putting everything in a reasonably nice paper bag and giving it as it is is not exactly the best gift presentation you have out there... but hey! you can reuse the paper bag! Like for the next 50 gifts you are giving away, you can use this paper bag!! And your paper bag comes with pretty handles that makes it easy for you to carry the gift home RIGHT????!!!

There's a chinese saying that goes: 金玉其外，败絮其中. it basically describes something/someone that's pretty on the outside but rotten on the inside. Unfortunately, the nicely wrapped presents I have recieved so far tends to be so... I'm just thinking... the world today focuses alot on packaging ourselves: applying for a job? make sure you write a nice resume with a good cover letter; going for interview? make sure you dress appropriately. Indeed, dressing is impt as it ofetn shows the attitude/importance we place on an event. However... when this overrides the importance of the inner person, something is gravely wrong.

blog regarding life in Takayama

I'll be writing about my life in Takayama in a separate site. Ask me for the url if you're interested! ^^ (it's on my MSN nick currently too)

This blog will still be in used though... with my rants and thoughts and well... basically anything me. ^^;;

一些想法

最近的自己懦弱得自己都讨厌自己，
没自信得自己都觉得自己很悲哀……
心理的想法一团混乱，我连想要什么都不知道。
需要的，其实是个无条件支持我的肩膀，一个无条件支持我的后盾，
一个愿意宁听我的耳朵，一个愿意用心去体谅我的心灵。

从小到大，我不习惯把心里的想法挂在嘴上，都是埋藏在最深刻的心底。
这样的个性让外人以为我很自信，很有主见，很稳重。
但是真正的我没自信，没想法，没胆识。
其实我也需要支持的，其实我也需要辅导的，其实我也需要有人牵着我的手，教我怎么过人生的。
我需要有家人/朋友无条件地默默支持我做我想做的事情。
我需要有人无条件地倾听我的心声……
但是没有。
这样的要求太苛刻了，
没有人能做得到。

虽然早就知道人生是孤独的，
但是这独处的感觉越来越令人难耐。

認識蕭敬騰

王子的新衣
OT:Twist of Fate
CA:Andreas Hemmeth/Linnea Handberg
改編詞：陳鎮川
演唱：蕭敬騰

我睡了一覺卻更覺得疲勞　頭髮糾結像一把稻草
在鏡子前面穿了又再脫掉　透過皮膚看得到心跳
兩條鎖骨蒼白的線條　掛著隱形沈重的背包
我的赤祼沒人看到　就像講話沒人瞭

沙發變成電椅　讓人痲痺
對話的只有冷氣　在為我嘆息

如果　王子的新衣　可以讓我挑選　我的動脈會被看見
寧可危險　有些瘋癲　沒有遮掩
穿著　王子的新衣　在人群面前　想看看你們瘋狂的臉
會愛我　不愛我　不必敷衍
冒著絕對的風險
是靠在我胸前　還是說再見

我洗了一個澡　煙霧纏繞　突然很喜歡氧氣的稀薄
地板的水有個旋渦　我常常幻想能被他吞噬掉
身上的水不想擦掉　在床上會躺成獨特的符號
等世界需要對我騷擾　當它是我的海報

你說你的道理　我不反擊
但這是我的遊戲　有我的規矩

如果　王子的新衣　可以讓我挑選　我的動脈會被看見
寧可危險　有些瘋癲　沒有遮掩

穿著　王子的新衣　在人群面前　想看看你們瘋狂的臉
會愛我　不愛我　不必敷衍
冒著絕對的風險
是靠在我胸前　還是說再見

領口很透明　可以算計　喉結跳動的頻率
雙手擁抱的用力　你看得清
我的肩　我的膝　受傷留下的痕跡
我願意　都透明　全部透明

我的　王子的新衣　依然挂在房間　等待機會出場表演
到那一天　或許我會　不再無言

如果　王子的新衣　可以讓我挑選　我的動脈會被看見
寧可危險　有些瘋癲　沒有遮掩
穿著　王子的新衣　在人群面前　想看看你們瘋狂的臉
會愛我　不愛我　不必敷衍
冒著絕對的風險
是靠在我胸前　還是說再見

current state

Currently amongst my friends... there's the "employed"s, the "unemployed"s, the "waiting for grad school"s... and of course there's me: the "clueless".
conversations after people hear that I've just graduated usually goes:

A: oh wow, so have you found a job?
me: erm... I'm going Japan
A: wow! what are you going to do there? study?
me: erm no... I'm going to teach English
A: in a university? *impressed*
me: no... in a Secondary school (middle school)
A: oh ok... what was your major again?
me: Bioengineering
A: .....
me: yeah... I know it's not related... it's just a year's fling. you know... experience life and all...
A: oh cool! *obviously more perplexed than impressed*

but then again, my doctor was positively jealous... he said something like 4 times of "I wish I am young again" after hearing that I'm gonna spend a year in Japan. ^^;;

it's all about attitude

Just thought it's time for me to remind myself about this.
Whether something is a make or a break,
whether I will enjoy the experience or not,
whether I will make the best of the experience or not...
it's really all in the attitude.
Embrace the challenge,
embrace the differences,
embrace things that get trusted upon you,
embrace life.
and...
THINK POSITIVE!!!
自信を出して、がんばろう！！！

towards Takayama-shi

Got my posting... I'm gonna be an English Teacher in this quaint little place called Takayama (which literally means high mountain) for the next year~

Hmm... a google search says the place is... high altitute, located right smack in the middle of NUMEROUS mountains, lowest tempt is below 0 degree celsius for 120 days a year... so cold you'll need to put your butter in the refrigerator during winter (because the temperature in the refrigerator is warmer than the room temperature)... hmmmmmmm... INAKA. (countryside)

But on the flip side, I'll have rice paddys (no worries about the rice shortage in Asia - mum says I should send some home every month), onsen(hotspring) , a chance to build a snow totoro-chan, a little kyoto near by, sakuras (cherry blossoms) and matsuris (festivals).
Mum's asking if the area's earthquake prone... I hope they have earthquake proof housing.

On the whole... seems like a pretty nice place to visit. If anyone's planning a holiday trip to Gifu-prefecture, Takayama-city, let me know. ^^

and for updates on my life... just finished my FYP presentation. Results are coming out on 30 May. I hope I get my 2nd upper. Working as a part-time research assistant in my prof's lab now.. need to get the draft of a paper out by next week... (= =)

AND do watch Takuya's new drama "Change" on tudou.com. It's hilarious. I love Asakura-chan's Alfro natural curls. *ruffles the bird's nest on his head*

For a better tomorrow

Cyclone in Myanmmar,
Typhoon in US,
Earthquake in China...

Is mother nature trying to tell us something?
Are we responding to it too late?
Reminds me of the story of the starfish on the shore... "It made a difference to that one". Just any small contribution helps.

Are you using recycling bags instead of plastic bags?

making yourself lovable

May I assume that most people in the right state of mind will want to see themselves relatively lovable. Being the peaceful human beings we are, most of us will like to be seen in good light by our fellow Homo sepians.

Face it, we want to be liked.

Or so I thought, until the lady at the library today made countless attempts to piss yours truly off. Being the not very tolerant absolutely intolerant person I am, her nosey, PICKY attitute have sucessfully PISSED ME OFF. Not only has she made it a point to put USELESS red paper notes to remind patrons of the library to not leave their belongings unattended (even if it's for a 2 minute toliet break) and contribute further to deforestation and global warming, she also takes the effort to point out (note: POINT OUT ONLY) EVERY SINGLE misplaced book on the shelf to her collegues who are working hard to rearrange the books!

My OS: Hell, can't you lift that fat finger of yours and rearrange it yourself? Better than pissing patrons of the library off yah!

Honestly, I have met my share of irritating meticulous librarians and in fact have managed to make pretty good friends with quite a number. But this one is... amazing. Does making life difficult for other people make her happy? The work she's doing is absolutely redundant and as I told ming: "If I own the library, she's gonna lose her job".

personality test

【11號瓶】一串花朵
11號是處女座的瓶子，所以你是一個純潔，單純，乾乾淨淨的一個人，宛如處子一般，像個純凈的小天使。代表這個瓶子的塔羅牌是「愛慾」，代表你對生命很有多的愛與熱情。
你的困難與挑戰：你常覺得缺乏愛，缺乏溫暖嗎？你在親密關係中有困難嗎？你有沒有想過，你可以更愛你自己一些？你可能是個完美主義者，對自己要求甚高，或者，對別人要求甚高。由於過往的制約，你對自己或別人有很多的期待。
你的未來潛能：是一個強壯、有威力的人，散發出溫暖、溫柔和強烈的同理心；是一個真正懂得如何去愛的人。

【12號瓶】新時代中的和平
代表這個瓶子的塔羅牌是「倒吊者」，代表你是一個很有韌性的人，面對生命中的挑戰與苦難，你總可以將其當作成長的機會。你具有水一般的特質，有彈性，有包容性。
你的困難與挑戰：代表這個瓶子的塔羅牌是「倒吊者」，意思是「透過苦難而成長」，所以你會不會覺得自己的生命總不順遂呢？或許你目前的生命就像處在深海一樣，有些憂鬱，缺乏陽光，像是找不到出路一般。
你的未來潛能：是一個和平、用「心」的感覺來反應的人。與個人的感覺和本能的智力有很深的連結。

【34號瓶】維納斯的誕生
這個瓶子叫做「維納斯的誕生」，維納斯是掌管愛與美的女神，所以你具有天生的美感，你的外貌，舉止，穿著，都散發出美的特質。此外，你也散發出愛的能量，有很好的人緣。
你的困難與挑戰：你覺得沒有人愛你，沒有人瞭解你嗎？你覺得自己孤單，常被誤解嗎？如果是的話，仔細回想一下，你習慣將你自己內心的感覺與感情表達出來嗎？
你的未來潛能：是一個在生活中各方面都自給自足的人，不需要外在的幫助、自力更生、有內在力量。

==================================================================

有人最近跟我说我对自己，对身边的人都太严苛了。
我说，我的教育告诉我，不能脆弱，要对自己的所作所为负责。
要轻松地“饶恕”自己很容易，但是这么做对吗？
午夜梦回，看到自己所有的东西，想起这些都不是自己应该拥有的，真的会开心吗？
我孤傲地鄙视这些。
但是说真的，对自己宽容点，让自己能好过一点有什么不好？
只可惜我没办法这么做吧~

我的压力来源

我人生最大的压力来源……
应该是来自我家人吧，
也许因为他们是我最重视的人，
所以他们的意见对我而言最重要。
我承认我很依赖家里，
总是希望从他们那里得到重视，信赖和认可。
可是最不肯给我这些的，应该就是他们吧。
有时我真的很希望得到他们无条件的支持，
虽然我知道你们的反对来自于你们的关心和担心，
而想要得到你们的认可，我的确需要做出值得让你们放心的事情。
但是有时候，我是否能wagamama，固执地做我想做的事？

A year... on?

Dear Starlight,

It's been a year since you decided to take life into your own hands and leave us with a bang.

Life has pretty much seemingly went on as per normal. As though you have never left us. But somehow, we all know that there's a gapping hole over there. The places you used to hang out with us at, the things we used to talk about, the people we used to know together... Everyone's been trying to carry on with life; to hold you dear to our hearts but not very much on our mouths. The feelings of lost, pain, anger, deject, and sometimes self-blame has not really left me whenever I think of you. Can I ask for a piece of your mind during the last moments of your life?

I still wanna tell you that I love you, and I care for you. Thank you for treating me as a friend and thank you for being a friend. Thank you for thinking for me and acting in my interest for so many times over the short period of time we knew each other. The little things you did just got more and more precious over the past year as I experience more and more in life. And also... sorry for not being good enough, for not caring more and for not being as good a friend to you as you were to me.

I hope you have found your peace and your happiness in the better place you are at now. I love you my dear.


Till we meet again,
Ale with love

嘴巴

嘴巴，
可以用来吃东西，
可以用来亲吻，
可以用来唱歌，
可以用来说话。

吃错了东西就得拉肚子。
亲错了人就得心痛一阵子。
唱错了歌就得被观众嘲笑。
说错了话后果就得自己负责。

嘴巴应该是人最应该和大脑联系的器官。
相对于有形的行动，
无形的言语更能伤害人，所造成的影响也更深远。
人为什么喜欢说八卦谈是非呢？
这个，应该是我们的自我防备之一吧？
因为人们在不自觉中，已经了解了言语的影响力，
也学会了如何用文字来保护自己，甚至伤害人。

很可惜的，
嘴巴与大脑的联系并不是在每一个人的身上都是紧紧相依的。
这样才会出现所谓的，
“口风不紧”或者“说话没经过大脑”的情形吧。
无心的伤害却很遗憾的，比有心的还要令人愤怒，令人伤痛。

声音的用途

出生的婴儿会发出声音是为了两个目的：
一个是肚子饿了，
一个是为了表示自己不舒服（如厕了，发烧了等等）。

两个，
都是为了让身边的人知道他的需要。

同样的，
人，之所以会说话，
是为了沟通。
而沟通，
是为了让自己能得到自己所需要的。
一个人会选择沉默，
通常有几个理由。
一个是他觉得自己能够应付，不需要他人的力量帮助。
这样的人是孤傲的。
一个，是他不希望把自己的弱点曝露在他人面前，是种保护动作。
这样的人是胆怯的。
一个，是他不知道怎么把自己所需要的说出来/不知道自己需要的是什么。
这样的人是迷惘的。
还有一个……是因为没有人愿意宁听或者找不到适合宁听的那个人。
最后一种人，是孤单的。

一个人的生活能走得多远呢？
在合群的社会中，大自然告诉我们，
自我孤立或者被孤立的人永远都不会是胜者。

I can't handle this

Honestly, with all the rush for FYP/project deadlines, rush to apply for graduate school, rush to find out what exactly I want to do in life, urgent need to pull up my cap.... I am so lost and clueless about what exactly I want. Doesn't help that I'm experiencing pressure from family and peers too. I need to take it easy... I can't handle so many things at the same time... (ToT)

Japan stint

A part of me really really wants to go... not for the money, not exactly because it's JAPAN, but I think really for the experience of living alone, working in a foreign land and all. I know the opportunity cost is high... but for this once, I really feel like just following my heart and giving it a go... IF I get it that is.

almost a year

Celebrated XY's birthday today in school with Ming and XL and Zinc...
A year ago, Starlight was with us at pasta cafe @ taka to celebrate XY's birthday. The last day of school before the mid-term break last year (it's mid-term break now), I messaged her to tell her that she can talk to me if she needs anyone. One month later, she left us for a better place...

Things started to take a spiral downwards around this time last year... however I was too slow, to self-involved to notice. Am I a better person now who cares more for my friends and the people around me? Unfortunately, I think I have became more involved in myself... Hope you're happy in the skies and we still love you dearly.

stressed

Been acting weirdly recently... or rather, I will say that I am finally showing my true colours. (That I think has been well hidden for some years.)

This side of me comes up when I am stressed: Anti-social and easily irritated.

Sometimes I hope some people will just simply leave me alone... don't ask me how I am or try to be concerned about me. (especially when I know you're not truly concerned but are simply "trying to be nice" or worse, being "KAY-POH")

You can't solve my problems, so, WHY ASK?!

And or others, please don't expect me to be nice as I normally may seem to be. My patience gets grinded to ZERO when I am stressed. At times like this, I am usually not interested in playing PR by sounding, or appearing nice.
I get PISSED when I know that I am expected to say something nice and understanding. This is because deep down in my heart, I just feel annoyed and troubled.

When I am a hedgehog, unless I look for you on my own accord.... my advice is: leave me ALONE.

I wonder how many people actually reads my blog... maybe the fact is... I don't have any readers at all.

I am not a tree

Even though I may seem strong; and maybe I am strong, that does not mean that I won't collapse. I have my weaknesses and I appreciate support too. It's pretty tiring to act as a supporting pillar to so many situations so many times.
And some times... when I need that pillar of support... I don't seem to be able to find it. That's probably because I have learnt not to rely on anything but myself over the years. May sound lofty, but actually, it's a pretty lonely situation.

生命的意义

恶作剧2吻里，
直树医生说了一句很值得参考的话：“生命的价值不在於形式，而在於我们做了什麽”
我们以前的副校长很喜欢说：我们的人生重要的不是它的长度，而是它的广度。
活到这个年纪，除了制造二氧化碳，
我到底为这个世界做了什么呢？
我生命中剩下的日子里又能为社会，为世界作什么呢？
新的一年……就希望自己能多为别人着想，多为社会贡献吧。

自私

剛剛看到msn上有人的名字說：在大自然裏，自私的是勝者。
人不為己，天誅地滅，大概就是這個意思吧。
最近的我，一直覺得人家自私。
一直像個任性的孩子，希望別人能聼我的心聲，關心我，疼我，寵我。
也很奇怪地總是覺得嫉妒，不安和惶恐。
是因爲最近生活太忙碌的關係嗎？心裏縂覺得不太踏實……
雖然說大自然界裏，自私的是勝者，
但是我還是希望自己能不要那麽好勝，不要那麽自我。
把自己的東西做好，問心無愧最重要。

Just for the sake of updating this blog

There are some people who will probably never get the url to this blog and some who will get it soon after knowing me...
I can't say precisely what is the determining factor for this, it's just a gut feeling. If I feel at ease with the person, the person will get this address. Afterall, this is a lock to my mind and the person within me. I don't lie, so whatever I say is gonna be the truth. Else I won't say it at all.

Just thought I should update this blog a little... been really busy with my final year project and am currently taking a short 2 days break from the lab to recuperate and get back to track. Life's been pretty monotonous really... it's just: wake up, go school, lab, lunch with xiangyun and ming, lab, home, msn, sleep and the cycle starts again the next day. I seldom have weekends off either. Having spent at least a saturday or a sunday in the lab every week.

I cannot say that I totally enjoy this lifestyle... I just keep going. I remember Pamsy mentioning that I am too responsible. I think this is one of those responsibilities. If I have to do something, I will wanna do it with the best of my abilities. If I can give 120%, I won't just give 90%. It's sometimes not a matter of whether I like it or not, I just feel that I have to do it.

Thinking back... what are the things in my life that I really like and really want? Learning Japanese is something... wanting to do medicine was another... Most of the time, I just look at what's in my plate and choose one of the options. There's hardly anything that I want so badly and will really work for it. Of course, this may also mean that there's hardly anything that I can't do without. Is that because I have always had what I ever need in my life? So I don't know what I want? If that's so... I guess I should consider myself a lucky person.

But honestly, to not know what you want in life?? That's pretty clueless. = =