3 years without Starlight

We miss you dear.

Happy Birthday Starlight

Missing you...

Remembering starlight 2 years on

Hey dear~

The stars here in the mountains of Japan are beautiful. I guess the view up there is better, but I'll still like to share it with you. We miss you.


Yours,
Aleshiela

Happy Birthday

I'll like to say you're a beautiful white lilly. But the you that I know is a red poppy. So addictive, so bright and a symbol of war and peace. Happy birthday starlight.

A year... on?

Dear Starlight,

It's been a year since you decided to take life into your own hands and leave us with a bang.

Life has pretty much seemingly went on as per normal. As though you have never left us. But somehow, we all know that there's a gapping hole over there. The places you used to hang out with us at, the things we used to talk about, the people we used to know together... Everyone's been trying to carry on with life; to hold you dear to our hearts but not very much on our mouths. The feelings of lost, pain, anger, deject, and sometimes self-blame has not really left me whenever I think of you. Can I ask for a piece of your mind during the last moments of your life?

I still wanna tell you that I love you, and I care for you. Thank you for treating me as a friend and thank you for being a friend. Thank you for thinking for me and acting in my interest for so many times over the short period of time we knew each other. The little things you did just got more and more precious over the past year as I experience more and more in life. And also... sorry for not being good enough, for not caring more and for not being as good a friend to you as you were to me.

I hope you have found your peace and your happiness in the better place you are at now. I love you my dear.


Till we meet again,
Ale with love

In our hearts

Sometimes, when people don't talk about it, it doesn't mean that they don't remember.
You might be happy to know that we all remembered.

The Way She Hopes to be Remembered

Went for a performance on Saturday evening to support a friend of mine. At the performance, the performers made a special tribute to their ex-president who passed away. And something they said really hit me. One of the performers said: "As a performer, I think the way he will want to be remembered is not though a minute of silence, but a standing ovalation.". It was a beautiful tribute to a wonderful person.

What happened that night started to make me think... how will Starlight like to be remembered? One thing I know for sure, is she will like to be remembered. She will like to be loved. But how does she hope to be remembered exactly? I realise I don't know her favorite colour, her favorite song, her favorite book... There are so many things I don't know about her... somehow, I feel that my lack of knowledge had crippled me to remember her as well as I hope I can remember her.

I've been acting pretty childishly recently towards some people... not a way I will like to have behaved... but very often, the espoused theory and the theory-in-action differs greatly.

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

It's National Day today. Are you looking at the fireworks through the clouds?

School's starting on a few days' time. We will be starting a semester without you... and soon, we will be graduating without you. I think alot of us will hope that you are here to go through this stage of our lives with us. But well... unlike us, you don't need to worry about FYP or curse the jap department for letting Intro to Jap Studies clash with our timetable for the 7th time in a row (yes... 7th time = =). Hope you are enjoying yourself in Heaven my dear.

Just want you to know that we all miss you dearly. *hugs*

With love,
Ale

2 Months On

Dear Starlight,

It's been 2 months since you left us...
Seems like a long time ago, but to think about it, 2 months is actually really not that long. Maybe it's because so many things have happened over the 2 months, so I get the impression as though it's been a long time.

Sometimes it feels as though you are still with us. It's just not very realistic that I will not see you around in school anymore. But you've taken the step ahead before us. Are you waiting for us in Heaven? I'm not Christian... will I get to go there to see you when I die?

By the way, how are things there in Heaven? Are the flower garlands there pretty? Is God a pretty bishonen or is he a fatherly person? What about Jesus? Is the THE hot guy in Heaven? What about the people there? Are they all peaceful and friendly? Are you peaceful? Oh well... as long as you are enjoying yourself there yah? ^^

Seriously, I was angry that you left us like that. Of course, the feeling of sadness and guilt is more profound... I know it's your decision, and I will learn to accept it yah? but dear... I really miss you, I miss it when you always tell me that I will be ok, I miss the little sweet chats we have, I miss the times we talk and have lunch, and how you are always willing to listen to my Takuya and WuChun madness... I really wish you are still around.

Hmm... about me... I feel I'm more pessimistic now... and sometimes more lonely too. I don't know if it's because of you, but I get more emotional nowadays. I will try to remember to be nicer to people and to give more; just like the way you always choose to give. I have lost you, I really don't wanna lose another friend.

ok... enough about sad things... I just need to tell you, UCHI is coming back!!! Mr. Kitagawa may have woken up one day and decide to be nice to the JE boys... so Jin's back, so is Uchi! haha~ Or maybe you know about all these already? Oh well, just thought you will like to know. ^^

ok dear... you have fun in Heaven ok? Miss ya very much.


With Love,
Your friend Ale

什麽叫I'm ok？

最近很多人跟我說，"you're not ok, don't say you're ok"
說一句實話，一個朋友過世了，
以一個你完全沒辦法理解的方式離開了，
你覺得她帶著悲傷，帶著絕望地走了，
這樣的情況下，誰會ok呢？

一個月后，當時的強烈情緒的確有得到紓緩，
但是痛還是會痛。
跟大家說我沒事，是不希望大家為我擔心，
因爲你們替我擔心也沒用，
只會加重你們的負擔，卻不會減輕我的疼痛。
而且，我會笑，會閙，能吃，能喝，會看吳吉尊，看某拓，會花痴……
我哪裏不ok呢？

心~ 的確有個洞，但是誰都沒辦法去彌補，
除非一切都沒發生，她明天還是會陪我上課，和我嘮叨教授的“無能”。
但是事實是，我們不能倒轉時間。
我曾經在沒進醫學院的時候說過，
心是不會復原的，只能帶著有缺陷的心，繼續生活。
傷口也許會不那麽痛了，但是傷口還是存在的。
我只能學習去和傷口並存，學習不要去觸及那道傷口。

前幾天和vivien在看關於雙子座的個性，
我們是矛盾的，
我們希望有人關心我們，
卻不希望有人干涉我們。
在受傷的時候會跟大家說我們沒事，
但是心裏卻還是渴望大家的關懷。

所以才會在這裡寫這些吧？
縂要有個管道讓我抒發，
不然什麽都憋不住的我會很辛苦。
但是不用太操心，因爲雙子座是很理性的，
我們知道應該怎麽做，也會把自己的情感管理得好好的。

去看了朋友

今天去看了朋友，
买了鲜花，一小束的白玫瑰，
去到那里，找不到门！ orz
也找不到可以问的人。
在舞蹈教室里跳舞的obasan明明看到我了，
竟然继续跳舞！
拜托！ 不是说基督教徒都很乐于助人的吗？
谁来帮帮我这个迷途的羔羊啊！ *汗*
所以后来打给了门上留着名字的联络人，
才问到了正确入口。
进去第一件事就是……
不能带鲜花。 = =
因为是小型，在教堂内的灵堂吧~
所以为了维持方便，不准带鲜花。orz
我带的怎么办呢？
只能叫朋友快点收下，然后出来的时候丢在垃圾桶了。
还有~ 朋友的骨灰坛根本还没弄好。
伯父大概是太忙了吧~
希望下次去已经弄好了~
看到没有名字，没有东西的骨灰坛还真的有点orz~
嘛~ 她应该在那儿吧~
所以还是说了点话，一下子就离开了~

下次去要带假花。 = =

淡淡的心疼

想問你最後的那一個小時心裏在想什麽，
想知道你有沒有後悔過，
想知道什麽讓你有勇氣面對死亡，
想知道你的生活是不是真的那麽辛苦，
想知道你究竟在想什麽。

我知道這一切已經不重要了，
但是
我還是會心疼，
我還是會想到就嘆氣。
說不重要，但是我卻還是會想，
我的潛意識讓我想要把事情理清。

在聼SHE的歌，歌詞說“慢慢心疼，沒有人知道我和從前不同。”
是否説明了你當時的心聲呢？
也許也說了我的心聲吧？
或許，是我在故作憂鬱吧。

雨

转眼就4个星期了，
还记得从你弟弟口中得到消息的那天中午，天下着雨。
接下来的好几天都是雨天。
也许是我想太多了，
但是每当看着雨点在窗外坠落，
我就觉得上天仿佛是在为了哀悼一个美丽的生命的流逝而流泪。

今天又下雨了~
4月的新加坡不是雨季，
这几天的天气也蛮热的，
但是在4个星期后的今天，
天又下雨了。

时间过得好快~
现在的我们都照常地过着我们的生活，
不久后，你是否就会被遗留在2007年的那个星期一呢？
很多人说你会永远在他们的心中，
人嘛~ 都害怕被遗忘~
但是你却不会被我们所遗忘。
这点，应该是你短暂的人生里，可以自豪的一部分吧？

听说你到了天堂，
在天主美丽的花园里，
没有功课的烦恼，没有未来的压力。
你以前的不快乐，是不是都已经不复存在了呢？
我们活着的人的心痛是不是都是多余的呢？
你现在是否已经找到了你的快乐呢？

你应该会看着这篇东西跟我大喊：
“中文我看不懂啦！”
呵呵~ 既然在天堂了，
你的中文也要进步点啊！
不然怎么配得上完美的天堂呢？

对了~ 顺便跟你说，jin回来了哦，
我知道你不是很喜欢kat-tun，
但是他能回来你应该也很惊讶吧？
你喜欢的uchi就不知道了~
但是看着jin~ 我们都要有希望，uchi会回来的。 ^^

还有~ 我去看了takuya的电影了~
一个人去看的~
想到电影就想到你，
你应该也会想看吧？
他很帅哦~
别再说我有七年之痒了哦，
因为虽然还是很喜欢吴吉尊~
takuya是不会被舍弃的！

现在在准备cell bio的考试~
看着就头疼~
希望会有时间看你借给我的lecture notes~
说真的有点不敢看呢~
怕看着你的笔记我又要胡思乱想了~
祝我好运吧！ 一定要顺利通过这次的考试~

好啦~ 考完再去看你~
我的朋友，要快乐哦！

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

A bible story that spoke to me today:

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"

He told me that all people sin and we should not accuse others because we too sin.
He told me that we should not condemn others for their sins, but at the same time, we should also not condone sins and say it is alright to sin.

I'm ok, don't worry

For those who got scared by my last entry, my sincere apologies.

I will want you all to know that I am fine and that I am learning to forgive.
Even if I can't forgive, I will not hate anymore.
Sorry for making all of you worried.
Just want you all to know that I am learning to cope and I will heal.
Thank you also for those who's been worried about me these days.

p/s: and if anyone is reading this blog in hope to search for some reasons as to why things happened and are interested in knowing what do I hate:
1) My hate is irrational.
And
2) I do not know any reasons.

Hate

Been drowning in hatred these two days. Even though logically I know I should not hate. It's in forgiveness that the world becomes a better place. Afterall, we don't bring hate into the coffin. It is the lack of forgiveness of some people that I hate. So I should not dwell in hate and should learn to forgive. Else it makes me no better than those.

风

她说她羡慕飞蛾，
羡慕它们能为了寻求那一霎那的快乐而献上自己的生命。
她说她不能赞同飞蛾的想法，
但是又羡慕他们能找到自己就算死也想要的东西。
最后，她选择追随飞蛾，
让自己燃烧，以寻求她想要的东西。
她如一只美丽的蝴蝶，随风飘逝了。
风带走了她，
也无情地如台风般横扫了我的世界。
我的世界仿佛忘记了如何旋转；
一切都停留在一个星期前的下午。

她生命的齿轮已经停摆，
但是我的却还无情地在转动。
风~ 请你也把我心中的痛，悔，和恨给带走吧。
请你让她的家人和她所爱的人们的心灵得到舒坦，
请你让他们在你温柔的安抚下得到慰藉。
让过去随风而去，让我学习原谅，学习体谅，学习珍惜。

She

She was such a lovely girl, a girl who was pretty on the outside and also on the inside.

She was a person with a mind of her own.
And rightfully so, because she was such a brilliant girl, it would be a pity not to use her good brains.

She knew what to do all the time; she knew what she was doing.
We always know that if we listen to her, we will never go too far wrong. She would have thought of all the things we probably will never think of and her decisions were always done after careful thought.

She was one with high expectations of herself. A person of her calibre should.
She sets goals for herself. And we all know, she can achieve them.
She had beautiful dreams of the future. She wanted to do medicine, she will marry her pilot boyfriend and the two of them will migrate to Australia. She was considering teaching too. Maybe not in university but in junior college.
She wasn't quite sure which road she wants to take, but I knew she will succeed regardless of which path she decides to take.

She liked people and she never hesitates to show her love for people.
She showers us with presents. She said she likes to shop for other people.
She gave me a pair of earrings on Valentines' Day.
She didn't say much about it; she simply passed them to me.
But I knew it was her way of showing friendship to me.
She was shy about showing her emotions, but I felt her love.

She loved us. She was always so protective of us, her friends.
She was our protector, against the lousy lecturers and also against the harm from other people. Just this semester, we have a lecturer who went overtime every lecture. However, she and I have another lecture (Econs) to catch after that. She S/Ued the Econs module (pass/fail option) and was not graded for it. But I was taking Econs too. And I am being graded for it. She stood up to the lecturer to ask him to end the lecture because the regulations indicated that all lectures should end 15 min before the next hour to allow us time to go for the lecture. It really didn’t matter to her that she missed the lecture. At that moment, I thought she was standing up against him because she wasn’t happy with how he was going over time. I think she probably did do it partly because of that. But I just found out that it appeared pretty obvious to the rest of the girls that she probably did it for me. She didn’t want me to endure in silence and have to stay back to attend a later lecture class in the evening.

She shares, always willing to teach and always willing to give.
She never asked for anything thing in return; she simply gave.
Some people are smart but they were selfish with their knowledge,
but she was so intelligent and yet so willing to help others who are not as good. We simply needed to ask and she will give more then what we expected.
The fact that she had made all the knowledge her own, her teaching was always very enlightening and very beneficial. Last semester, she offered her Biomechanics tutorial to me without me asking. She knew I didn’t manage to get down to doing them. So she photocopied her own and gave them to me. I referred to it so much over the course of preparing for the examination.

She’s always able to find the best things of people. She asked me how I kept my hair straight. She said hers always get a curl after sleeping on them. She was never stingy with her compliments. I keep my admirations to other people to myself.

She loved her family, she hopes her good looking brothers all grows up to be bishies (cute pretty boys). She was very proud of them because they are all so outstanding. She knew she was well-respected by them too.
She loved her mother and always wondered how she managed to keep so slim and pretty despite giving birth to 5 children. Her mother was her role model.
She respected her father and seeks advices from him. She treated him as her consultant and always looks for him for words of wisdom.

I always complained to her about things my sister did to me and also the things I did with my sister. She always listened with interest and commented about how she would love a sister herself: Someone to go shopping with, someone to doll-up with.

She was a very strong person, but there was a very girly side of her too. She loved soft-toys, especially those of the line NICI. She sleeps with them and she names them. They were her meh mehs (sheeps basically). She has a whole collection of them. It is incomprehensible to me. But it was very cute. She loved to hug and she loved to lean on my shoulders. She said it’s soft and comfy.

She loved heels. Platforms to be exact. She looked really good in heels, and her legs so white, the rest of us were actually secretly admiring them. She was pretty, had perfect skin. In addition to that, she knew how to dress up. She went to professionals for her hair and eyebrows. She couldn’t stand cheap earrings. She said they look common and cheap. She liked things with style and good quality.

She liked to shop at esprit. I like it too. She always offered her discount card and vouchers. I didn’t accept them because my mother has the card too. But the gesture was appreciated.

She liked Kenzo perfume. The stuff toys that we got for our friends going overseas had the smell of her perfume on them. But her perfume was not overpowering. It was just the right amount and very comfortable.

She loved to paint her toe nails. But she never paints her fingernails. She said the nail polish on the nails never lasted. She loved to use black nail polish on her toes. They stand out against her fair skin.

She liked to use “oha” as a greeting. It’s a short form for ohaiyou that means good morning or hello in Japanese. We loved her way of saying “omedetou” (Congratulations in Japanese). It sounded a little sarcastic, we used it pretty often, but she’s the only one who can give the perfect tone to it.

She had beautiful handwriting and is meticulously neat. She told me another friend was saying how our handwritings look alike. But both of us agreed that the only similarity was that our writing looks “artistic”.

She got 93 for the last maths test. The rest of us always hoped that we hav just 1/2 her brains. That will really help alot~ She was truly the best amongst us. Beauty and brains. She's definately not the "bimbo" she always jokingly claims she is. She knew she's good too.

She was always happy to hear me fangirl about my idols. When I started liking WuChun recently, she declared that it was a seven years itch. After liking Kimura Takuya for seven years, I start to look for a new boy. I argued that I still love Kimura Takuya. She believed me, but that didn’t quite stop her regarding the seven year itch thing.

I am a SMAP fan, she on the other hand, loved the kohais (the younger boys of Johnny’s Entertainment). She liked boys white and pretty. But they have to have their clothes on. Scrawny bodies pains her. She said it’s because her brothers have wonderful bodies, so she has high expectations.

She really liked the red prawn candy I brought during CNY. I gave her one during lecture one day, and she liked it. So I gave her what I had that day. I wanted to get her a packet after that. But I never found the sweet again… they don’t sell anymore after CNY. I had wanted to get her a pair of butterfly earrings too. I somehow never found the occasion to get her one pair. I wish I didn’t wait for a chance to get her anything.

She’s a person I admire. She was very outspoken. She’s the only one amongst us who can go up to the lecturers (or anyone in fact) and tell them in their faces that she feels what they’re doing is wrong. The rest of us will be afraid to tell a superior his mistakes in fear that the superior will do anything to put us down. But she was fearless, she knew that she was right and she’s confident enough to put her points across to them. Some times we wonder if the lecturers were scared of her. I wish I have her courage and her convictions.

She had decided to take her life in her own hands. She had decided to end it her own way. I don't understand it. But I know she must have thought over it. It is her decision. Much as it pains me, much as I wish I can talk her out of it, it is her decision. I will accept it and respect it.

She's gone, but our memories will last a long time. She was my company over the last few months of her life. She brought me alot of comfort and gave me alot of love. I love her too. I hope I can do more for her, there are so many things we wanted to do together, we wanted to go on holiday together, we were planning to stay in hostel together, and we wanted to do special term together. She was my comfort when I was lonely.

Dear, thank you for being such a lovely friend. I will remember you forever. I know you are in good hands now, enjoy yourself and we will all meet again soon.

31 March 2007
First written at 3:17PM
Last edited at 3 April 1:15PM

To my dear Friend

I Love You.