2 Months On

Dear Starlight,

It's been 2 months since you left us...
Seems like a long time ago, but to think about it, 2 months is actually really not that long. Maybe it's because so many things have happened over the 2 months, so I get the impression as though it's been a long time.

Sometimes it feels as though you are still with us. It's just not very realistic that I will not see you around in school anymore. But you've taken the step ahead before us. Are you waiting for us in Heaven? I'm not Christian... will I get to go there to see you when I die?

By the way, how are things there in Heaven? Are the flower garlands there pretty? Is God a pretty bishonen or is he a fatherly person? What about Jesus? Is the THE hot guy in Heaven? What about the people there? Are they all peaceful and friendly? Are you peaceful? Oh well... as long as you are enjoying yourself there yah? ^^

Seriously, I was angry that you left us like that. Of course, the feeling of sadness and guilt is more profound... I know it's your decision, and I will learn to accept it yah? but dear... I really miss you, I miss it when you always tell me that I will be ok, I miss the little sweet chats we have, I miss the times we talk and have lunch, and how you are always willing to listen to my Takuya and WuChun madness... I really wish you are still around.

Hmm... about me... I feel I'm more pessimistic now... and sometimes more lonely too. I don't know if it's because of you, but I get more emotional nowadays. I will try to remember to be nicer to people and to give more; just like the way you always choose to give. I have lost you, I really don't wanna lose another friend.

ok... enough about sad things... I just need to tell you, UCHI is coming back!!! Mr. Kitagawa may have woken up one day and decide to be nice to the JE boys... so Jin's back, so is Uchi! haha~ Or maybe you know about all these already? Oh well, just thought you will like to know. ^^

ok dear... you have fun in Heaven ok? Miss ya very much.


With Love,
Your friend Ale

想放假

好想到海边走走，
好想去外国散散心，
好想逃离一切责任和负担，
好想什么都不理，什么都不管，
只为自己生活。
绳子已经那么紧了~

再施点压力，会断的。

累

跟人说话很累，
对人微笑很累，
为了维持谈话而想话题很累。
因为我是个很懒的人吧~
所以要动脑子的事情都让我觉得很累。
当对方满腔热情地跟自己说话，
不热情地回应，不让对方觉得快乐，
总觉得有点不应该。
但是热热闹闹几个小时后，
回到自己的小窝里，
自己才真正的自在，
可是，
也格外的孤单。

故作忧郁

从小我就自认不是一个很女生的女生，
不喜欢穿裙子，不会穿高跟鞋，不化妆，不会娇羞，不会撒娇，不会哭。
看了感动的电影，
身边的好朋友哭得稀里哗啦的，
我则在那里快睡着了。
啊~ 也不是，我会哭，还记得哭出来的电影是《Lilo and Stitch》和《Spirit》。
别问我为什么哭，就是哭了。 = =
毕业典礼上，
因为是女校，
同学们好多都是抱在一起大哭……
我呢~ 则像个男生般在那里手足无措。

我不喜欢把心里的感觉说出来，
也不喜欢给别人看到我忧郁的样子。
说真的~ 我是很容易担心，焦虑，
但是我很少心情低落。
或者说，
我就算心情低落也很少跟人说，
反正看看某拓，看看吴吉尊，笑一下就没事了。
每次看到别人很感人的字句，
也蛮羡慕的~
因为我呢~
不会写这样的东西。
所以我有时会觉得自己有点没血没肉……
甚至……看到太忧郁的人会觉得他们故作忧郁。

但是不管男生还是女生都会有脆弱的时候吧？
把自己忧郁，脆弱的一面藏起来，可能是为了自我保护吧？
但是其实说出来有什么不好呢？
哭出来有什么不好呢？
也许，能说出来的人才是最坚强的。
因为他们懂得面对自己脆弱的一面。

所以……
忧郁就说出来吧，
伤心就说出来吧，
心痛就哭出来吧，
面对脆弱的自己，才能把自己变得更强。

5センチの吴吉尊妄想

1.目覚めた時【5センチの吴吉尊】があなたの顔を覗き込んでいました。どうしますか？
(醒來的時候"5cm的吴吉尊"正在看著你，你會怎麼樣?)

哇！！！ 陈嘉桦？？？ 你在哪里？？ 你的梦想实现了！！！
好可爱哦~~~ 先收起来~~ 等找到陈嘉桦再给她放口袋~~

2.【5センチの吴吉尊】をあなたは飼いますか？
(你會養5cm的吴吉尊嗎？)

当然~ 5cm的吴吉尊，难得比我小只耶~~
而且，不养他，他会饿~~
不是会被香港台湾的疯狂fans绑架！
当然要美女就英雄啦！ *噗*

3.【5センチの吴吉尊】がお腹が空いたと主張しています。あなたは何を与えますか？
(5cm的吴吉尊說他肚子餓了，你會做什麼給他？)

又饿？ 你10分钟前才吃耶！
早上已经吃了yoghurt和香蕉了，然后早茶，吃了一个草莓蛋糕，然后午餐吃了海南鸡饭和ice kachang，下午茶吃了一个巧克力蛋糕和一个Tiramisu，还多要了一个brownie打包在车上吃，晚餐吃了西餐，还有蘑菇汤，宵夜你还要蛋糕？！
……
先生，你要什么口味？ = =

4.【5センチの吴吉尊】がトイレに行きたがっています。どうしますか？
(5cm的吴吉尊要上廁所，你會怎麼做？)

来吴吉尊，男厕在这里，你要死守在这里哦~ 不要被怪阿姨拉到女厕哦~~ 乖乖~~~~

5.【5センチの吴吉尊】が風呂に入りたがっています。どうしますか？
(5cm的吴吉尊要洗澡了，你會怎麼做？)

帮他擦背！！！ 顺便可以看到完美身材！
什么？ 陈嘉桦不肯？
不要这样啦~~ 看一下又不会死~~
双子座要大方一点哦~！*被ella小姐铁拳打死*

6.【5センチの吴吉尊】と初デート！どこにつれて行きますか？
(第一次跟5cm的吴吉尊約會!! 你要跟他一起去哪裡呢？)

汶莱的海边！
什么？ 顺便去健身房？
不要好不好？？？？？？？ Please???? PLEASE????? *被小小绿巨人拖去健身*

7.最後の質問！【5センチの吴吉尊】がいたらあなたはどう思いますか？
(最後的問題!!如果真的有5cm的吴吉尊你會怎麼樣？)

送给ella收在口袋里~ 陈嘉桦，你要好好照顾吴吉尊哦！！ ^^

8.妄想させたい友達5人をチョイス！
(請點5個你想讓他妄想的朋友!! )

vivien 5cm的 阿尊尊/tamaki（自选）

5センチのCAPTAIN妄想

izumi让我做的~ 5cm的captain！ ^^

1.目覚めた時【5センチのCAPTAIN】があなたの顔を覗き込んでいました。どうしますか？
(醒來的時候"5cm的CAPTAIN"正在看著你，你會怎麼樣?)

拿起来收在口袋里~
哦~
要小心captian的剑~~~
哇！！！ 痛~！
*哄captain把剑收起来*，
然后拿起来收进口袋里~~

2.【5センチのCAPTAIN】をあなたは飼いますか？
(你會養5cm的CAPTAIN嗎？)

都收起来了~ 当然养~~~
顺便买个小海贼船给他掌舵，
然后找几个5cm海贼给他使唤~ ^^v

3.【5センチのCAPTAIN】がお腹が空いたと主張しています。あなたは何を与えますか？
(5cm的CAPTAIN說他肚子餓了，你會做什麼給他？)

鱼……
什么？ 要纳豆？ 海上去哪里找纳豆？
去绑架个sanji给你~

4.【5センチのCAPTAIN】がトイレに行きたがっています。どうしますか？
(5cm的CAPTAIN要上廁所，你會怎麼做？)

嗯~~~ 海上没有厕所~~ 所以就地解决吧。
还是比较喜欢尿布？ *给5cm小拓打死*

5.【5センチのCAPTAIN】が風呂に入りたがっています。どうしますか？
(5cm的CAPTAIN要洗澡了，你會怎麼做？)

把海上的“闲杂鱼等”统统赶走~ 免得他们偷看~
（然后自己在一边看~~ 啊不~ 递毛巾~ ^^）

6.【5センチのCAPTAIN】と初デート！どこにつれて行きますか？
(第一次跟5cm的CAPTAIN約會!! 你要跟他一起去哪裡呢？)

游乐园~~ 像beautiful life一样~ 但是口袋要有拉连，不然会飞走

7.最後の質問！【5センチのCAPTAIN】がいたらあなたはどう思いますか？
(最後的問題!!如果真的有5cm的CAPTAIN你會怎麼樣？)

萌死~~ 可以买吗？ 不然诱拐也要绑架回家

8.妄想させたい友達5人をチョイス！
(請點5個你想讓他妄想的朋友!! )

pamsy 5cm的Takuya
minghao 5cm的Cloud
xiangyun 5cm的spongebob
melissa 5cm的nakata
ziling 5cm的totoro

Organizers

A Mood Organizer and a Memories Organizer from dear Xiangyun for me to organize my haywired moods and memories. ^^ Thanks darling~ it really touched me.

The Weight of the World

We live in a world of people, and we get affected by people too. We get bothered by other's opinions of us, we dress to suit the occasion, we behave to match the society's expectation of us. To put it simply, we want people to like us.

But have you felt tired about being part of a society before? Where is the "ME" in you? Are you doing what YOU want to do all the time? Because we live in a world where a person's action will affect others, we can't live our lives solely based on what we want to do. That's what we call "being considerate".

To live life accomodating to everyone is tiring. We get lost in the attempt to please and to conform and we become unhappy. However, most of us still choose to try to conform. Because being a non-conformist is even more difficult - we are not unable to shut ourselves away the scrutinizing eyes of other people.

But are the non-conformists happier? Because afterall, they are doing what their hearts desire. Being too bothered about what others think about us will only make us upset. How many times are you upset about a rumor about you? Or an workmate who misunderstood you? Or a close one who does not support your decision?

The non-conformists are strong enough to not be bothered about what others think and to do what they want to do. They choose to throw away the weight of the world and be true to themselves. While the rest of us attempt, in our furtile efforts, to carry the weight of the world, the non-conformist floats happily in the weightless realm of the universe.

Impulse Buying

Bought a PURPLE bag for $35.90 that day... it's pretty, but not A4 size, so it works ONLY as a handbag...
Bought a phone plastic screen cover at Daiso for $2 only to find out that it's BLUE and my takuya wallpaper looks EXTREMELY wierd under it.
Bought a Fahrenheit dairy at $15.90 thinking that it's their newest photo album, only to realise that it's an organizer with only 10 pages of pictures, all of which I've seen before.

HELP!!! what's WRONG with me???!!!! Someone seal my wallet!!!!!!!!

What do you do with memories?

What do you do with memories that bring pain and sadness?
Do you destroy them in your attempt to move on? Or do you keep them close to your heart and bring it up every once in a while when it calls? Or do you keep them deep in your heart chamber but not bring them up at all?

I have a problem with managing my memories recently. Tend to like to bring it out every once in a while as though it needs some dusting and... to simply smell the fresh air. However, something tells me that it's time to keep it as memories and move on. But yet again, it doesn't seem right to bury it and seem as though it has never happened. What do I do with memories that went out of control?

Been thinking of moving blog for some time... because my wretch account allows me to post on wuchun's guestbook, and it seems silly to have a blogspace that's empty. But there's so much memories on this blogspot blogspace. And now... it feels almost as though if I continue blogging here, she will still be able to read my entries in heaven. Silly I know... to think like that, but the memories here are too precious for me to give up.

什麽叫I'm ok？

最近很多人跟我說，"you're not ok, don't say you're ok"
說一句實話，一個朋友過世了，
以一個你完全沒辦法理解的方式離開了，
你覺得她帶著悲傷，帶著絕望地走了，
這樣的情況下，誰會ok呢？

一個月后，當時的強烈情緒的確有得到紓緩，
但是痛還是會痛。
跟大家說我沒事，是不希望大家為我擔心，
因爲你們替我擔心也沒用，
只會加重你們的負擔，卻不會減輕我的疼痛。
而且，我會笑，會閙，能吃，能喝，會看吳吉尊，看某拓，會花痴……
我哪裏不ok呢？

心~ 的確有個洞，但是誰都沒辦法去彌補，
除非一切都沒發生，她明天還是會陪我上課，和我嘮叨教授的“無能”。
但是事實是，我們不能倒轉時間。
我曾經在沒進醫學院的時候說過，
心是不會復原的，只能帶著有缺陷的心，繼續生活。
傷口也許會不那麽痛了，但是傷口還是存在的。
我只能學習去和傷口並存，學習不要去觸及那道傷口。

前幾天和vivien在看關於雙子座的個性，
我們是矛盾的，
我們希望有人關心我們，
卻不希望有人干涉我們。
在受傷的時候會跟大家說我們沒事，
但是心裏卻還是渴望大家的關懷。

所以才會在這裡寫這些吧？
縂要有個管道讓我抒發，
不然什麽都憋不住的我會很辛苦。
但是不用太操心，因爲雙子座是很理性的，
我們知道應該怎麽做，也會把自己的情感管理得好好的。

去看了朋友

今天去看了朋友，
买了鲜花，一小束的白玫瑰，
去到那里，找不到门！ orz
也找不到可以问的人。
在舞蹈教室里跳舞的obasan明明看到我了，
竟然继续跳舞！
拜托！ 不是说基督教徒都很乐于助人的吗？
谁来帮帮我这个迷途的羔羊啊！ *汗*
所以后来打给了门上留着名字的联络人，
才问到了正确入口。
进去第一件事就是……
不能带鲜花。 = =
因为是小型，在教堂内的灵堂吧~
所以为了维持方便，不准带鲜花。orz
我带的怎么办呢？
只能叫朋友快点收下，然后出来的时候丢在垃圾桶了。
还有~ 朋友的骨灰坛根本还没弄好。
伯父大概是太忙了吧~
希望下次去已经弄好了~
看到没有名字，没有东西的骨灰坛还真的有点orz~
嘛~ 她应该在那儿吧~
所以还是说了点话，一下子就离开了~

下次去要带假花。 = =

淡淡的心疼

想問你最後的那一個小時心裏在想什麽，
想知道你有沒有後悔過，
想知道什麽讓你有勇氣面對死亡，
想知道你的生活是不是真的那麽辛苦，
想知道你究竟在想什麽。

我知道這一切已經不重要了，
但是
我還是會心疼，
我還是會想到就嘆氣。
說不重要，但是我卻還是會想，
我的潛意識讓我想要把事情理清。

在聼SHE的歌，歌詞說“慢慢心疼，沒有人知道我和從前不同。”
是否説明了你當時的心聲呢？
也許也說了我的心聲吧？
或許，是我在故作憂鬱吧。