note: random ramblings, don't bother to read if you dun want a headache

been busy with UK trip nowadays.... but at the end of the day, I don't know what I am doing.

where am I heading? where's my direction? applied for medicine, biomed engineering and pharmacology... but is research and med really what i want? I've always put these considerations back.... not want to think about it.... thinking about it gives me the headaches... I know what I dun want... but what do I want? I cannot tell.... do I wanna be a doctor because I really wanna make that positive influence on others? well... that'll be good.... but I am not really SO... noble, can I tolerate all the emotional burben as a doctor? can I put my patients above myself? I dunno... at the end of the day... is there a career out there that's for me and I just dunno? have my horizons been too narrow that I have failed to consider all other career options? did i choose the sciences because I am a science student? because all the pple around me are gonna pursue professional careers?

guess there's always a desire in me to be a performer... to do drama, the arts... to design things, make things... but my practicality has told me that if I want to lead a 'stable' lifestyle... that's not the route to pursue... is my pride for having studied so many years, working hard so many years, pulling me back to try out things that I've not tried before? things that have no established success path?

what about being a journalist? (chinese) a translator? a diplomat? an artitect? a designer? a cook? (ok... cook's out... I hate cooking..) a pastry chef? what about the unconventional? I have always chucked these options aside because of my pride, my beliefs, my narrow-mindedness... but is there another world out there that's for me? have I been trying to mold myself to fit the society's expectation?

time's running out... I'm about to make my first career choice... yes, things may change eventually, but I still wanna make sure that this choice that I make in a few month's time is a well-informed one... I choose this option because this is what I think is best, that I want most at the time of decision...

on thing that I fear most in life is regrets... that's why I live life to avoid it... I want to make sure that I look at all the options I have at that time of making the decision so that I will not regret after that... no matter the outcome is good or bad... ask me if I am any regrets... I'll tell you I dun think so... I want to continue leading this life like that. good or bad.