haha gan... i like the older background better too.... I'm a blue person... but hey! it's Christmas!! still in the christmas mood after Love Actually.....

note: absolute ramblings ahead... dun bother to read it.

just watched "Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring" on HBO... I totally understand why people can't read past the book... but the movie's GOOD. yes... it is... honour. faith, bravery, love.... things that carn really be explained by words but should be felt by the heart... or am I simply bad at words and just using this as an excuse? I yearn for the advanture like the Lord of the Rings... to have something to honour and to have something I will be willing to die for... DREAMS... something that I have not thought of for some time now I guess... practically and realism has taken it's toll and I am blinded in my quest for material goods...
What IS my dream? will I have the faith to carry through it? what if it means a life in hunger... where i cannot enjoy trips to Japan to savour it's food and look at Takuya ( and the sakura flowers), will I be willing to throw away all I have in pursue of this dream? realise that it's probably not very related to LOTR... but whatever...
I want to die not being forgotten... is that too much to ask for? ... selfish desire that is... haha
wanna make a difference to the people around me... people who know me, dun know me... wanna have a personal touch in the lives of these people... but WHAT do i want in life exactly? argh!!
wanted to be a doctor so that someday I can go to some ulu places on this planet and be a doctor... care for them and make a difference to their quality of life... tall tales, will I be able to carry through it? I dare not say...
somehow realised over the years that i don't have to go to cambodia or vietnam to make a difference... but if you want me to be a doctor and work in a hospital all my life... i dunno... not that the patients shouldn't be saved, not that their lives dun need improvement, but the job can be done by so many other people... they don't really need me.
BUT, do I want to do it?? do i want to use an entire life saving lives? making a difference to the lives of others...
fine, I think too highly of myself... even if I die tomorrow, it will not make a difference to the world... whatever... and for goodness sake! I'm no noble soul! I will not be able to give without wanting something in return... much as I am working toward that... yes... at least a 'thank you' will be nice... sigh... i dun know what I've driving at... forget it.
maybe i should think about what I want... what will give me satisfaction in life? meeting Takuya!! argh!!!!! I guess my life just wants some advanture. people... give me some suggestions... if you read this far, why not leave a message... should I do medicine? or should I take up biomed engineering... or something else? I desperately need help here...