lp said that she dun noe what to write on her blog cause she feels that she's writing to an audience... guess that's why a blog can never replace a personal diary huh?
I'm beginning to feel that too... writing with others in mind... not wanting to write too intimate stuff... too sensitive stuff (ok... I wrote it.) self censoring what i wanna write before putting it up... re-reading my entry before publishing it... never knew that I'm that kinda person who will do these kinda stuff... shuyan told me that day something to the effect that she write whatever she wants on hers and don't care what others think of it... cause the people who don't agree can just go away. when can i be that kinda person? so open, so unaffected by what the others think... I've tried to be true to myself, but my environment affects me. I get bothered my what others think of me, I have an image that I wanna maintain in the minds of others, and that affects the things I do.
you know why I'm so crazy over Takuya? yes... initially, it's his looks... but gradually, as I went to read up about what he did... I admire him as a person. he's what I am not. how can a superstar like him master so much courage to defy his agency... tell the whole world that he is attached when he's an idol? at those times in Japan... it's almost like commiting suicide to admit that you are attached... but that guy admitted (with his manager beside denying everything..) that he's attached. he was about our age. then, he got married... the first one in the whole of his agency... he's the ONLY married artist in Johnny's agency. I think I'll die if I'm him. the japanese entertainment circle is never shocked by what he does... cause he always does what the rest thinks is not conventional... he's being himself.
I don't know... this is an entry that I'm not even sure if I'll put up... cause it exposes too much of my insecurity. I'm admiting to the world (the blogging world that is) that I'm bothered by my environment... that I get affected by what others think if me... things that I probably share with a few close ones... can I master up the courage to expose this insecurity? hmm...
the thing about being yourself... I don't know... while I admire those who can remian true to themselves at all times, I wonder if it's really what I wanna do... 'cause the people around me matters to me. while it's important to be true to myself... it's important that I am considerate to the feelings of other people. I remember Father Berhachate (carn remember the spelling) said before... you can bloody hell do whatever you want... but your actions should not bring trouble to others... (Takuya was brought up this way too! hmm...) but how can I stay true to myself when I don't even know what exactly what I want 'cause I'm affected by so many person A, B and C?